Can't fight These Feelings

Can't fight these feelings anymore...
Watched the movie UP the other day with the kids bawled my eyes out...
I thought I'd put up the Christmas tree got it up just fine...
Discovered our new lights had the white (NOT) green cords like what we always have..
Mess up ran out of lights started back over...
got it right plugged it in and the darn bottom half don't work!
These are brand new...can't fight these feelings anymore...I felt like crying.
Over lights you might think it sounds silly, but it's not at least it's not to me! I want to get everything ready I want to decorate the house for Christmas early this year...I want that Christmas feeling back...I can't fight these feelings anymore the one's that cloud my eyes and make my heart race and my blood pressure go up the feelings of missing my daughter Emily....can't fight these feelings anymore.
I miss her like crazy...nothing seems the same anymore.
I am trying very hard to get a head start on Christmas decorating because I want to spend more time watching Christmas shows with the kids and snuggling with my husband and I know I have plenty of time, but have you ever felt in a rush and it just seems you gotta get it done and then that's when everything seems to go wrong?
I don't know I guess it's because like many other americans money is tight...yes the Florida vacation was a HUGE part of our Christmas and yes my kids are not getting everything they want...so that is stressing me out too. I'm overwhelmed and there is so much to do I can't fight these feelings...sadness I miss my sweet angel babies, anger for the way my stepchildren have done! Happiness and Thankfulness because God has been so good to me and I'm saved because of HIM and I have a wonderful sweet husband that I adore and five (MEAN) but (Sweet) children that I'm head over hills in love with...can't fight these feelings...I really don't want to fight these emotions anymore. I love loving my family with the happy times and the missing Hunter,Heather and Emily sad times because without the emotions I'd be a bitter old bah~humbug...
Can't fight these feelings...

Not Much

Not much going on around here..glad the doll is gone! Not much to report about it except we all learned Sara depended on me to take care of the doll in which I helped, but also I wanted her to learn and understand she DOES NOT need a baby at this young age! Believe me she don't need a child she has NO patience for it! On another note Raymond and I went riding on our motorcycle and well it was fun! I am sick again however I think it's just a nasty head cold ugh...
Not much going on around here...any of you all have anything exciting happening?

That Darn Doll

Okay so like Sara has parenting class at school and brings "The Doll" home today to take care of all weekend! I was like good grief..but quickly took over taking care of it because well it started crying and she couldn't get it to quite down so I start rocking it and it slowly starts calming down cooing and it sounds just like a real baby...I said wait this is NOT my job take care of this thing Sara!!! I get all teary eyed after dinner...I tell Raymond with you know that sappy broken hearted voice us women get..." That Darn thing makes me want a baby so bad!" He then states, "Hon, You know that's never gonna happen!"...The hurt that overwhelms me when I know that...the point is I still want a baby BUT like he said That'll NEVER Happen!...That Darn doll...can't wait till she takes it back monday morning cause I mean the cries and coos...sound so real. I'm afraid it will wake me up (which I bet it does) and it will make these scars I have reopen. I know the darn doll is not real it's just...ya know all the baby (REAL) sounds...ugh that darn doll! Sara went to the football game with Beth tonight and she had to take it with her...I guess in a good way it will teach her she DOS NOT need a baby at this young age! She got so mad at it earlier she was trying to get ready for the game it started crying...I said well that really happens so think about it...you don't need a baby! She totally agrees thank GOD!

18 Months and 1 Day Ago

It's been 18 months and 1 day since I said goodbye to my sweet daughter Emily...the hurt is still here within my heart.I miss her each and everday...sending hugs and kisses to you in heaven Emily...It seems it was yesterday that I watched you take your last breath in daddy's and my arms...I believe the Lord let's our lives go alittle quicker ( at least it seems that away to me) so that we can be together in our Lord's presence worshipping the one whom loves us unconditionally.Emily you have changed me forever and I'm proud to be your mommy...Love you baby girl always and forever.

I'm Outta Here!!!!

Okay so the kids are trick-or-treating...this guy is sitting still dressed up with spooky sounds going on in the back ground the kids go up to get candy...the guy moves and Samuel is Outta there!!!!..I could not resist putting this up!

Halloween 2009

Broken...and Pissed!

Broken and Pissed is what I am! I was told tonight why Brandy (my stepdaughter) don't want to come around and it's totally pissed me off and broke me altogether! Ya'll ready? Here it goes...Brandy said, " Because we got upset that she didn't come to Emily's balloon release for her first birthday!"
Bullcrap....she knew it meant alot to us but we still try to talk to her after I mean good grief I think she feels guilty and is reversing the bullcrap! I'm broken and pissed that she would use my baby girl Emily as a crutch!!!
Wow I know I was suppose to post pictures of the kids from halloween, but this just broke me and pissed me off!
I mean just because she couldn't make it May 3 for the release why couldn't she go some other day? I mean she spent 10 mintues at the funeral home and it makes me feel like she just don't give a DAMN! Like Emily meant/means a damn thing to her...because ya know she only lived 17 DAMN mintues! Yeah I'm broken and pissed and it tares me up! Such bull...she takes everything for granted! Everything I've ever done for her....she pissed me off and I'm done! I'm broken and PISSED!